Jolly Old Saint Murdoc
by 4lackofabettername
Summary: Murdoc and 2D fill in as a mall Santa and elf when the main actors don't show. Oneshot. Just for laughs. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! T for Murdoc's mouth.


_A/N: I don't own Gorillaz_

It was nearly Christmas in London, England. Everyone was out getting their last gifts which they might have been too busy (or lazy) to get beforehand. Over the noise of the crowds hustling and bustling, you could just barely hear...

"GOD DAMN IT, DULLARD, WE'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND THIS BLOODY MALL FOR HOURS!"

The voice belonged to Murdoc Niccals, the crude, nasty, uncaring, selfish, Satanist bass player and self-proclaimed leader of the very successful band Gorillaz. He was currently yelling at a tall, lanky man with spikey blue hair and a pair of black eyes. Though they may appear to be hollow sockets, they are actually 8-ball fractures due to an accident years ago.

This is 2D, the lead singer for Gorillaz who also contributed keyboards. He was very gentle and loving, though he could be absent-minded.

"It's not my fault if they sold out of what I wanted this mornin'!" 2D whined in his warbly Cockney accent.

"WELL IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO HAVE A BACKUP!" Murdoc yelled, smacking 2D on the back of the head.

"OW! What was that for?" he shouted.

"FOR BEING A FACEACHE!" the Satanist shouted back.

Suddenly, the duo realized that they were near to the chair the mall Santa sat on for pictures with kids. But he was nowhere to be seen.

"Huh, where's Santa?" 2D asked.

"Yeah, his elves are gone too" Murdoc said.

Just then, a very fat man came up to them. He was balding and his gut spilled over his pants.

"Hey, you two. We have a bit of a situation. Our mall Santa and elves failed to show."

"Yeah, so?" Murdoc sneered.

"I know this is last minute, but...do you think you guys could help us?"

"No." Murdoc stated, grabbing 2D by the jacket collar and beginning to drag him away.

"It's only an hour. We'll pay you $100." The man called.

"A HUNDRED BUCKS?!" Murdoc shouted. "C'mon faceache, we're off to make children's days!" He dragged 2D back to the chair.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Murdoc grumbled miserably as he tried to walk.

"Well Muds, I think you pull off a good Santa." 2D said.

"I LOOK LIKE A FAT OLD PEDOPHILE!" Murdoc shouted. "AND THIS SUIT REEKS WORSE THAN A WET DOG!"

"At least you don't have to be an elf." 2D grumbled, looking down at the elf outfit that was too small for him.

"I can barely fuckin' walk! I'm starting to wonder if this is worth a hundred!" Murdoc growled.

The man appeared around the corner of the bathroom the two were in.

"Showtime, guys. C'mon."

"Well, let's get this over with." Murdoc said grumpily.

The man and 2D walked, and Murdoc waddled under the too-big, heavy suit and the pillow padding, over to the chair from behind, to surprise the kids.

"Attention, everyone!" The man said when he made his way into the children's view, "Santa is here!" The children cheered loudly, and the man motioned them to come on.

Murdoc made a big show of waving, bowing, and other things, looking like he was having a good time. He sat down at the chair and 2D stood by him.

2D walked to the first kid in line, picked him up and sat him down on "Santa's" lap.

"Well then, mate, what's your name?" Murdoc asked.

"Billy" the boy answered.

"Well Billy, whadaya want?"

"A big red wagon with..."

"Okay, okay, hold up." Murdoc said. "To be honest, I'm the wrong guy to ask. I think you'd be better off asking yo mum an dad."

"But..." Billy started.

"I don't have the time to grant everyone's wish. I have a special list, and I don't recall you being on it. So shoo."

Murdoc handed Billy to 2D, who dropped him off to his parents.

"Next!" Murdoc shouted.

A little girl with pigtails was next in line.

"What's your name, love?" Murdoc asked.

"I'm Sally." The girl answered with a smile.

"Whadaya want?"

"I want a Barbie doll and a Ken doll!" Sally answered enthusiastically.

"Ken? Why would you want Ken? He's a wanker!" Murdoc said. "I think he's secretly gay too."

Sally gave Murdoc an incredulous look.

"Next!" Murdoc yelled.

Needless to say, the two got kicked out of the mall a few children later, as some (all) of the adults had complained about Murdoc.

"I don't see why I had to leave." 2D said in a huff as they walked through the parking lot.

"Wankers didn't even pay me for the time I did my job!" yelled Murdoc. "THAT WAS A ROBBERY! A ROBBERY OF MURDOC NICCALS'S TIME! I DEMAND LEGAL ACTION!"

2D sighed as he and a screaming Murdoc climbed into the Geep.

_Merry Christmas!_


End file.
